I think I’ve been here for four weeks already and we always hear that it’s always hard to start something, to be in a new place and to start a new life. The beginnings will challenge your physical but it’s your mental, especially. Yes, those unfamiliar faces, tiring activities, strange places and new routines. The worst damn thing is homesick because there’s no medicine to that. You had no choice but to fit in, to put aside your overthinking thoughts and worries, right? I promise you this because I just went through it; after that harsh storm and horrible hurricane you went through, you’ll feel like you’re completely in a new world and the special thing is, you start seeing things differently — it means you’re growing. Sweet things will slowly follow after those harships. Don’t give up, you’re with me my friend. Enjoy the little things in life instead of highlighting what doesn’t complete you. Of couse your past life was better but remember how you felt earlier about it? You didn’t like it as well, right? Acknowledge people who smiled at you, acknowledge people who hurt you because everyone that showed up in your life, they came for a reason and that’s the thing you have to figure out. Life can be great sometimes although most times, it’s painful. 

I have this feeling, I always do. I hurt people before and sometimes I don’t know if people would be able to forgive me but this feeling of guiltiness, once in a while it makes me sad and broken. So to you, in case you’re reading this and in case I used to hurt you intentionally or unintentionally, I’m sorry. 

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All I ever need to know is, you’re fine. I need to constantly know that someone is there to take good care of you and you’re at your best condition. I need to know that you’re doing fine that you aren’t worrying about anything that will affect your physical and mental health. I need to know that you reach every destination safely and protected by Him. Even when things are rough, I want you to know that you have me who cares a lot about you and wishing that everything will soon fall into the right places. I wish to see you smile all the time and I don’t mind if I had to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of yours because I’d do anything for you. I pray for you, everyday every night and never once that I thought of forgetting your name in my prayers. I miss you and you know what, I really really love you. 

I miss that face that appears in my nights of heavy rain and loneliness. I miss that face that reminds me of heartbreak and losing. I miss that pain of getting hurt and I miss how the world seemed to be with you around me although smiles were fake and hearts were fragile. I miss walking down the road when it’s raining because rain has a lot to do with you, with us. I miss missing you that it hurts to just looking at your pictures because maybe now, there’s no longer you in my heart but you are in my mind most times. Hope you’re doing well. 

Problems come and go, some just went away unsolved, some were easier than how I complicated them. Problems are my everyday thing that I know if there’s a day that passed by without me worrying about my problems, it’s not a quite normal day. It’s either huge or small, problems are problems although most times, it’s me who created and exaggerated them into something scary and terrifying that keep me awake from sleep. As an ordinary human; plus the fact that I’m a girl, we overthink. We overthink until pimples grow and headaches happily attack us but we strangely continue doing it. If only we know how things are easier and solutions are just ahead but we know, those what ifs and question marks of everything unanswered. With that, sometimes I give up thinking because one, you can change things that are out of control and second, if it’s meant to be, it will be as long as there are efforts. So hey, quit overthinking because everything is supposed to be fine. Yes, some things are hard to handle but believe me, everything happens for a reason and stop blaming yourself for every decision you took. Look for the positivity behind every bad thing, change your perspectives. He is trying to show you something. Worrying isn’t wrong but if we overdo it, of course it’s not a good sign. It’s raining outside, pretty cold and a nice weather to wrap myself around some thick blankets and a comfy bed. Well, goodnight. Be wise, alright? Much love. 

It has been awhile since the one of those good days actually happened to me. Of course today did. God knows why I kept myself really busy today because well I’m not the type of person who takes part a lot especially with this very new surrounding but today seemed to be different. I took part in AEISEC conference today and indeed, it was a good experience although part of me was screaming due to the very cold weather and I didn’t bring along my sweater while staying in an air-conditioned room for the 10 hours. For some reasons, I’m glad things happened — you know, making new friends, talking to a way matured people and learning from them on what makes them a successful person. To get those vibes, to share some incredible spirit, it’s something very awesome and new to me. So overall, it was a productive day. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind about the money spent if the outcomes are better than what I could ever imagined. 

I don’t know why but wherever I go, it’s always my fate to be staying in a room with a person who emphasises physical looks or fashion which something I’m lack of. However, it’s a bless that most times they always look forward to dress me up in a way that I can never be confident walking around with. Just like today, how my roommate eagerly spent half an hour to straighten my hair and seeing how my face transformed into a different person, I was surprised and shocked but I think I look pretty good. Thank you, roomie. To sit back and think about it, I think it’s time for me to improve myself into a better person. Maybe taking a small step every time as long as I grow everyday or at least to mend what’s broken. To fix my weaknesses and to expand my strength or anything that makes my day a little brighter. Good things take time and everything doesn’t have to be perfect to finally say I’m happy because every day that passes by, I know as long as the effort exists, happiness is there. 

I go through everyday with a massive amount of hope and patience. I go through everything without bothering what’s ahead because I know there’s light somewhere. But there are days when the rain comes and the sun seemed so lost, tears drop and words hurt. There are days when I completely understand how Hannah Baker feels. There are days when I wake up with fears fully controlling my mind, thoughts all messed up with so much of hate and deep down holding grudges and guilt. The beginning is always the hardest, they said. Patience is the key, they said. Being away from comfort zones will make you grow, they said. Yes, those words are true and no matter how things go wrong, I believe these beautiful and motivating words will at least bring me out of my dark. But, deep down nothing beats this feeling I keep to myself. This everlasting and genuine love that has been my ultimate strength. This picture that was kept in my wallet, between those abandoned receipts and probably cards. The reflection of this picture that will always push me to keep on going, to take risks, to fall seven times and raise at eight. This precious picture that speaks supportive words I’ve been longing to hear all day everyday. 
Thank you for this miracle that words couldn’t portray how grateful I am. Thank you for this love that confirmed me with something worth having and worth risking. I’ll absolutely do this, for your happiness, hopes and for that smile that will wash my fears away. For both of you, I’ll do it. I can still vividly remember that smile of happiness few months back and I feel it’s absolutely an obligation for me to make that happen again. God knows how thankful I am to Him for this gift that cash and miles couldn’t replace. 

Maybe we were just two strangers who crossed paths. Maybe our eyes locked so that our souls could meet. Maybe you smiled and sparked a light in my dark. Maybe you intentionally waited for me to get me to look at you. Maybe I made things complicated so you’d help me solving it. Maybe you called me for no exact reasons so that you’d be able to talk to me. Maybe I kept looking down so that our eyes wouldn’t meet. Maybe your smiles weren’t for the book you seemed to read. Maybe my blushing wasn’t about something I saw outside or from the hot weather. Maybe you were strict because you wanted to see my reaction. Maybe I was laughing and smiling most of the time because I enjoyed sitting next to you. Maybe just maybe we’re a story that we tell our kids as we tuck them to sleep. And maybe just maybe we’re just two strangers who crossed paths. 

I’m sorry sometimes I’m not good at dealing with feelings, I can be too afraid letting people in. Part of me says; I don’t want this to happen because someday, I might know some hurtful truth about you. I don’t want to have any bad perception or to think that you’re the same as other men. To misunderstand your kindness, your generous help and your friendliness. I can’t afford ending up knowing that you aren’t as good as how we first met. I can’t afford ending up knowing that after a while, your soft voice isn’t actually yours, your calm eyes growing wild and scary, your eye contacts filled with lust. I can’t bear having you as a stranger again one day. Maybe, our story should stop here and it is just a fairytale beautifully written. The only thing I want to highlight when it comes to you is; you’ll always be that guy who caught my attention and the first ever guy I would only remember the good. Whenever I thought of you, I’ll only remember that smile and how sweet you are; no hate or harsh feelings. 

Another part of me says; it’s a new feeling. I tend to be bad at opening up and letting people in, but once in a while, I just know. Sometimes there are strangers who belong. Time will tell, I suppose, whether or not fate is on our side. Maybe I’ll bump into you in a crowd or at a busy shopping mall. Maybe we’ll find a quiet place to just talk until we run out of daylight. There are billions upon billions of ways this could all play out, and I’m just praying for one.